This page is Dedicated to the inspiration of Milan Kosanovic and is primarily for all the ex-Central High Grammar School crew from 1970-1977
1 A SELECTION OF ANECDOTES AND SMILE-MAKERS
2.U R G E N T F I L M S O C I E T Y Notices
3.BOOK OFFERS (Special Curly's guide to Passing ....)
4.MILAN KOSANOVIC talks to Mr Mapplebeck about his (Milan’s) latest photograph
1 A SELECTION OF ANECDOTES AND SMILE-MAKERS
In an office : “Do you ever get the feeling you’ve starting off on the wrong foot - and you’re a centipede.
The worst thing that can happen to a genius is to be understood.
The man who steps into a cage with a dozen lions impresses everyone except a school bus driver
The bees are going on strike now. They want shorter flowers and more honey
Teacher: “I asked a pupil where his homework was, and he said, ‘On the way to school, I made an aeroplane out of it, and
it was hijacked’
The instructions on my home wine-making kit read: pour into a one gallon container, and add three and a half gallons of water.
ADVERTISEMENT in the ‘appointments’ column of ‘The Times’ shortly before xmas: Chief Executive, seasoned goods. Applicants
must be able to finance and distribute a wide variety of consumer goods for the home market. The tasks involved, are arduous,
demanding a wide-awake approach, the capacity for disguise and a thorough grasp of present trends. A current sleigh-driving licence,
and a head for heights are equally vital. Some experience of negotiating at chimney-to level, would be of value, and preference will be
given to candidates who can demonstrate mastering of unusual packaging problems.Fringe benefits: 364 days annual leave, clothing and allowance.
No salary, but rewards considerable.
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U R G E N T F I L M S O C I E T Y - M E M B E R S -
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T E A M T O C O M P E T E A G A I N T S O T H E R ‘C I T Y O F
L E E D S’ S C H O O L’ T E A M S. I F Y O U W O U L D L I K E
T O P L A Y I N T H I S T E A M, I. E. R E P R E S E N T T H E
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MILLIKAN OIL DROP
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FORD MOTOR CO. (ALL OF IT!)
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I M O R T A N T N O T I C E
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A B R E A K A W A Y F R A C T I O N O F T H E 5 TH A N D 6 TH Form Film Society.
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BOOK OFFERS BOOK OFFERS BOOK OFFERS BOOK OFFERS
ON OFFER - THESE COMPLETELY UNPUBLISHED BOOKS -
PLEASE DON’T SHOW THIS TO YOUR FRIENDS!
OFFER NO. 1 BRETS BEDTIME STORIES
(COMPETELYUNCENSORED) also included free bonus
BRETS 1977 BEDTIME STORIES
BEST PIECE OF RUBBISH Award winner
Stories about Dogs, Dogs, Dogs, Dogs, and more blinking Dogs
BURT PUBLICATIONS £4.95
OFFER NO 2 CURLY’S GUIDE TO PASSING EXAMS an Impressing Failure
(INCLUDING NEW! DRIVING TEST)
IN THE CURLY CURLY’S GUIDE TO PASSING EXAMS
Entertaining SERIES features by this well-known failure.
Preface written by Lord Justice Hewitt Curly Publications
£7.77
OFFER NO.3 MOREOVER TAG, AS IT WERE,
Interesting little book in which M. J. (Tag Barnes)Schoolteacher-superstar,puts over his theory on why some English phrases are so overused
* NB ALL PROCEEDS GO TO TAG
AN A. A. PUBLICATION £20.86 + VAT
OFFER NO. 4 JASPEL’S NEW FOUL-MOUTHED DICTIONARY
Jaspel’s NEW - FOUL-MOUTHED A LINQUAPHONE Many people swear by it
Dictionary PUBLICATION £0.02
WARNING - NOT TO BE SOLD TO PEOPLE UNDER 10 YRS. OF AGE
O R D E R F O R M
PLEASE RUSH me Or Take your time THE FOLLOWING EXcITING BOOKS;
(tick as applicable) I AM OVER 10 YRS OLD .....................
1. BRET’S BEDTIME STORIES £4.95
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3. MOREOVER TAG, AS IT WERE £20.86 + VAT
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MILAN KOSANOVIC talks to Mr Mapplebeck about his (Milan’s) latest
photograph. (That’s the one he sent Mr M a while ago - remember?
NB Mr Mapplebeck’s lines must be read slowly for full effect.
MK - Now then Mr Mapplebeck, may I call you Cary?
DM - You may call me Cary, you may call me Clark if you like, Michael.
MK- It’s Milan actually
DM - Sorry, Milo
MK - ER, yes, now then, what did you think of my photograph last month?
DM - Fantastic! Princess Gracie Fields of Monocle was brilliant
MK - Yes, but what about the photograph - what was your artistic impression?
DM - Great! - Marlin was really superb when he talks down to his brother in the
famous task scene
MK - HMI, This is all very well, but what about the feet?
DM - Well, Marlin is a small chap, so I don’t think he’ll have very big feet. Of
course we didn’t really see much of his feet. Now take North by North
West: we saw a lot of feet in that. Cary Grant’s .........
MK - Dave!
DM - (Audrey!)
MK - Let’s get back to the subject: How did my photograph strike you?
DM - Well, I must say your photograph was like a refreshing kick in the teeth
MK - Really, did it do that to you?
DM - Oh, yes! I must return the compliment some day
MK - What artistic impression did you get from the photograph?
DM - Oh, a good one! There’s a lot you can tell from the photograph of somebody’s
feet. For example: platform shoes, so this ‘guy’ is obviously on the short side.
MK - (Hyping)
DM - Note that the feet are at angles: forming a visual triangle: catches the eye does
that, yes - all started off by Michaelangelo was this triangle business
MK - Now I understand you like Hitchcock?
DM - My idol: Brilliant. Master of visual triangles
MK - He is a good director?
DM - He’s brilliant, fantastic, absolutely the maestro. Nice pair of feet, too
MK - HMI
DM - ER .... is that it?
MK - Yes
DM - When do I get paid?
- THE END - Back to top
Right, well, this joke is about a soccer match, so it should appeal to football
supporters, and Everyone fans alike. Actually this joke takes place in the jungle.
You see, the insects have challenged the elephants to a football match, and the
elephants have agreed. Well it’s the day of the match, which is being held in a
small clearing in the jungle. The two teams are both lined up, the elephants on one
side, and the insects on the other. All the spectators have lined the edge of the pitch,
you know, there’s the cannibals eating their portions of Kentucky fried missionary,
the lions and tigers, with their pom-pom hats, and the gorillas have come with their
scarves tied round their wrists.
Well, the referee blows the whistle, and the match gets under way. Well, in actual fact
it’s turning out to be a bit of a dirty match! the elephants have fouled three of the
insects, two of the spectators, and seventy-five per cent of the pitch. But even so, the
insects are playing really badly, they just carn’t seem to put it together at all, it’s just
not their day. But, you see, the night before they all went to a party, * you know
what I mean! they went on a ‘plant crawl’ and got drunk on the nectar, and some of
them went to the ‘beehives of pleasure’ and got stung for £10 a time.
Anyway, the referee blows for half-time, and the elephants are really in command.
So they are both getting ready for the second-half, and the insects decide to make a
substitution: they take off a rather slow snail, and replace him with a centipede.
Well, the second half begins, and already the elephants have fouled an insect. So the
centipede is going to take a free kick. So the elephants all line up in front of their goal,
their trunks in-between their legs, and the centipede prepares to take the free kick. He
curves it right round all of the elephants and into the goal to score the insects first.
Course, all the spectators are getting excited, cos the insects appear to be back in the
match.
Well the match goes on, and the centipede is proving to be something really fantastic,
he’s knocking them in left, right and centre. In the end, the referee blows the final
whistle and the insects have won by six hundred and forty one goals, to one hundred
and seven. So of course, the insects are going off to celebrate; but later on the captain
of the elephants goes over to congratulate the bluebottle, who is the captain of the
insects. He tells him, ‘you know, that centipede of yours was fantastic. But there’s
one thing I don’t understand; since he’s so good, why didn’t you bring him on at the
beginning of the match?’ So the bluebottle explains; ‘Well, we would have done, but
it takes him all of the first half to put his boots on’.
END Back to top